My 1st BYOC

1. Name a career you would NOT want to do and tell why.

Hmm... This one is hard because I'm a Gemini (if you buy into astrology) and essentially have multiple personalities... I still don't know what I want to be when I grow up. I've been interested in tons of things and all of them are as random as the next. WAIT! I know! I wouldn't ever, ever want to be one of the guys that work on building highways and roads. That has to be the hottest, sweatiest, smelliest job. I totally see the need for it and thank them for the backbreaking, miserable work they do, but there is no way I'd ever be able to hang with them.

2. What is the best present you've ever received for your birthday?

Eight years ago, one of my oldest friends was in an automobile accident and was paralyzed from the shoulders down. He was in ICU for a very long time and then spent months in a rehab facility. That year, he got to come home from the physical rehab facility on my birthday. He passed away five years ago (September) from a brain aneurysm. At the time, we were so hopeful and I thought it was a sign of good things to come that he got to move back home on my birthday. I will always remember that birthday and the hope we had.

3. What do you hide behind?

My FAT - Did you know that you are practically invisible when you're fat? No one looks at you with anything other than disdain or pity. If something doesn't work out it's not because you weren't good enough, it's because you were too fat to try or someone was biased because you are fat. Nothing like a fattie basher to justify feelings on inadequacy. I can't go do fun stuff because I'm too uncomfortable. I can't become part of the "in crowd" because that requires socializing and I can't let anyone see the fat girl eat. Like they don't know I sit at home and devour a whole 13x9 pan of brownies with a quart of Bryer's Vanilla Bean Ice Cream. Please. Everyone know's the fat girl eats. I just can't bring myself to do it in public.

My KIDS - Let's face it, my schedule is booked. Up through the end of this summer... After that all my children will be full time school age and I will have my days (mostly) free. Granted my middle child will still have Autism Therapy twice a week so finding a job will be difficult at best, but that is beside the point. I am terrified that I will turn out to be a horrible house keeper and I still won't take care of myself. Having the time and freedom to do things freaks me right out, because I'm afraid of failing. I am great at shuttling kids, balancing complex schedules, and running myself through the wringer to fit it all in. What if I just fail at life in general when what I do is left completely up to me?

4. Where were you born?

South-west Tennessee

5. Which BLOG/comment affected you greatly this week?

BLOGS: Sparkler's blog about diet fatigue really hit home for me. As my banding day approaches I find my self worrying that this might not work or I'll be slow to drop weight. She really put it in perspective and reminded me that any loss no matter how slow is better than a gain and this is about keeping it off not crashing it off.

COMMENT: amandakiska's comment on my burden blog. I don't know why it didn't occur to me that other people do things because it makes them feel good. I mean, I knew that, but I wasn't applying it to things others do for me.

Countdowns and Being a Burden

anding minus eleven days and counting...

I have 11 days until my surgery. In the last week I've gone in for my final pre-surgical consult and my pre-admission. I officially have a room reserved for me on the day of surgery. The only thing I have left to do is another trip to the lab for last minute stuff. Other than that I just have to remember to call on the Friday before and find out what time to show up.

They did my official weigh-in. According to their scale, my starting weight is 261. There seems to be between a one and three lb difference between their scale and mine. I'll keep my ticker and counts linked to my scale.

I don't have much of a pre-op diet. My surgeon said that he isn't worried about it because my BMI isn't in the range of super obese and while the other surgeon is a stickler for the diet, he only said not to go out for a "last meal". When I went for pre-admission they told me clear liquids from noon to midnight and nothing after. I can live with that.

My mother-in-law is coming up for the week of surgery. I'm hoping I'll be up and about in less than a week and can send her on back home. I feel bad that she's going to have to use a whole week of vacation time to wrangle the kids while I do this.

I guess that is one of the things I need to work on other than the size of me. I do anything for anyone and will help everyone until I've run out of help to offer, but when it comes to asking for any kind of assistance for myself I don't like to do it and feel guilty when I get it. How do you convince yourself that you are not a burden on others when you spent your formative years being told your existence was just that.

I'm In... Waiting for the Phone to Ring

I went in for my consultation with my Bariatric RN. I don't know what I was expecting of this appointment, but it was fast and painless. Basically she took the forms I brought in and made sure all my specialty appointments were kept and recorded. Then she emailed the surgeon and told me to have a nice day.

The next phone call I will get will be from her with options for surgery dates. I of course was hoping for less than a month away, but she said all of April was already booked up. It looks like I'll be on the slate sometime between the end of May and the end of July.

BAH!

I've been alternating between meticulously following the post-banding rules and stuffing myself silly with whatever I can get my hands on. I really need to get it together because the last thing I want to do is gain before I go back.

When decided to write this blog, I had the idea in my head that I would be able to keep it just about surgery, recovery, and weight-loss. I intended to not talk too much about my family or get caught up in other aspects of my personal life. Clearly I did not think this through.

I realized (while I was feeling sick after eating three portions of dinner and washing it down with too much dessert) that I wasn't even hungry.

I'm miserably lonely. My bio says that I'm married to a soldier. What it doesn't say is that he's recently deployed to a combat zone. It also doesn't say that he is my best friend. You see, I don't have any in-person girlfriends. All of my former "besties" are scattered across the country. I say former because aside from the occasional facebook message, we don't talk. I spend my days shuttling my kids to and from two different schools with three different start and end times and taking one of my children to therapy for Autism. Its hard to make friends in the car or in waiting rooms.

Hi! My name is Cheeseburger Girl and I have an unhealthy relationship with food. It is my replacement best friend, sex substitute, anxiety/anger management tool, and my worst enemy. Food is my abusive extra-marital affair.