Confessions of a Person Who Sometimes Fails Gloriously

Husband came home.

We moved.

I don't know what happened.

I put it all back on.

ALL OF IT.

I'm vowing as of this moment to start over.

I will get an appointment with my local doc and get a referral to a bariatric doc here.

I will begin eating all my protein.

I will not have any more diet soda.

I will not eat any more sugar or bread.

I will do the right thing.

I will take my jiggly belly to the gym even though I don't own any work out clothes that fit.

I will forgive myself for not allowing myself to succeed.

In short, I will shut up and put up.

Back to Basics - Because it works...

When I started this journey I had a plan and it was working well for me. I tracked everything and I blogged here. When my husband left again for A-stan after an amazing two weeks at home, well, I quit. EVERYTHING.

He's scheduled to come home in way less than a month. I've found myself in a place where I'm dissapointed that I'm not at goal 9 months out. How does one lose the last 40-50lbs in less than two weeks? One doesn't. I'm accepting that and taking responsibility for my trip off the wagon. And so, Ladies (and Gentlemen?) I present to you:

Monday Weigh-In

Pre-pre op diet: 265
Starting weight: 261
Today's Weight: 213
Total loss = 52# or
48# in the 281 days since banding

GOAL for first weigh-in in March:

199

Whatever it is/was, self-sabotage, apathy, or depression...

I will no longer allow me to keep me from a goal. Because if there is anything I've learned so far it's that I CAN do it and I ENJOY feeling GOOD.

9 in a 14

I went and got a fill this morning. Still dealing with a 4lb gain from my last Official Doctor Weigh-in so I'm sitting at 215.

I hope this is the fill that does the trick. I now have 9cc in my 14cc band.

I know that everyone is different, but I'm curious...

How much did it take before you got restriction/hit the sweet spot if you have a large band?

Starting Fresh

I got on the scale this morning and it said 216. That is 11 lbs up from the lowest I've seen.

Figured that means it's time for a reset day or three before my fill on Wednesday.

I stocked up on pre-made protein shakes. I've found I drink them better if they are already made. Also I found some Myoplex Chocolate Fudge shakes that are only 300 cals, 2 grams of sugar, and 42 grams of protein. The don't taste awful, not good either, but also not gag worthy.

I'm slowly catching up on all the household chores that I got behind on. I must have it all done before Husband comes home from A-stan in a couple of weeks. I'd like to get it all done and get back into the swing of exercising again. He came home in October for his two weeks of leave and after he left, I fell into a hole of depression. I quit working out the day he left and haven't been back since. I miss it. I miss feeling good and like I accomplished something.

Today I spent the morning reading to 5&6 year olds. Then I spent a couple of hours making beds in the barracks for the single soldiers who are coming home. After lunch I worked at the school again helping with the last day of our bookfair. I logged on to tally my volunteer hours for January and discovered I've volunteered 350+ hours for 2010. Not too bad.

I think this year my goal will be 365 hours.

I'm Back

I am on the other side of a hideous bout of depression.

I have been plateaued for 4 months now.

I found out last month that I do not have a 10cc band, I have a 14cc band and could have been more aggressive with fills had I known that. I STILL DO NOT HAVE RESTRICTION AT 9 MONTHS OUT!!!

I currently have 8cc in my band and am desperately trying to get to that dreamy place called the sweet spot.

I really hope you will all forgive me for my long absence. I'll try not to go away for so long ever again.

50 lbs, an NSV, and a POLL

Today I looked on my happy scale and it said 50 lbs DOWN!!! I know it's not a weigh-in day, but I'm keeping it. Now my next big goal is ONDERLAND. I'm a lovely 215lbs as of this morning.

So to celebrate, I nabbed my neighbor and we went looking for an outfit for me. I knew this was just the girl I needed, cause she saw me in my gym clothes the other day and informed me that I looked hot. I was like, "Thanks!" Then she follows it with, "So you need to get some new clothes cause all your other shirts make you look pregnant." (You have to know her...) This chick wouldn't pull any punches and would steer me in the right direction. So off to the mall we went.

We didn't find any tops, but I got a pair of SIZE 16!!! Diva style jeans at Old Navy. Now hush! I know they have vanity sizing, but it does my head good to be firmly away from dress sizes that start with 2 before husband gets home for his two week vacay from Afghanistan. Going from a 28/30 to a 16/18 is pretty impressive. Even if I see myself every day and don't see it myself, he will see the difference. Remember, he's gotten nothing but head shots of me since he left in February.

I went to Dillards and bought a RED TRENCH COAT in a size XL. It's a Jessica Simpson and the color is called lipstick. It is hot and makes me look even hotter. I can't wait for it to get cool outside so I can rock it.

This mall is in a smallish town so there wasn't a ton of variety. Next week we're going to trek down to closest big city and do some more shopping.

I'm happy with where I am right now health and band wise. I am not hungry unless I'm really hungry from missing a meal. I have enough restriction without getting stuck or PBing on anything. In fact, I think I'm probably one of the rare few who has never had a stuck or PB episode. I'm not bragging, I'm honestly amazed.

Now for the poll:

Without ever having seen me, what color should I dye my hair?

Red or Blonde

Who has more fun?

Measurements at 4 Months

Current - Starting = Change


Neck 15.5in - 16.5in = -1.0 inches
Chest 49.0in - 55.0in = -7.0 inches
Bicept 15.0in - 17.0in = -2.0 inches
Waist 45.0in - 51.0in = -6.0 inches
Hips 52in - 56.0in = -4.0 inches
Thigh 28.0in - 30.0in = -2.0 inches


That's a total of 22 inches (or 26 inches if you count both legs and arms)!!!

NSV? I'm not sure...

So there I was at the gym on post right down the road from Husband's work where all the people he works with go (when they aren't all deployed).

I've finished my "run" and am 3/4 done with my weights circuit. I get up from the leg press feeling rather proud of myself and then it happens...

My cotton work out shorts FALL OFF ALL THE WAY TO MY ANKLES!

So, you tell me... is that an NSV or just plain embarrassing?

Blog Award

A big thank you to Mary at Being a Winner By Being a Loser and Sparkler at Sparkler's Story for bestowing upon me The Versatile Blogger Award.

Here are the rules for this award:

1.Thank the person giving the award.
2. Share 7 things about yourself.
3. Nominate 15 newly discovered blogs.
4. Let your nominees know about the award.

7 Things about me:

1. I have spent a total of 14 days with my father in my entire life. I flew 8 hours to get there twice as a young teen. I wouldn't know him from Adam, but I do have a decent relationship with my half-sister (his other daughter). I am always surprised to find how jealous I can feel. It hit hard when I got her wedding pictures. Nobody paid for a wedding for me and I certainly wasn't escorted down an aisle.

2. This year I will have been married to my hero for 9 years. We have a 14 year old son. There is some discrepancy with those numbers, but I promise the missing years were for the best.

3. I am the oldest of five children. I can't remember a time when I wasn't in the role of parent.

4. I am a Gemini and I fit the description quite well. Sometimes I wonder if I have two people living in this brain because I am very interested in so many seemingly opposite things. Oddly enough, I don't read horoscopes.

5. The only sport I care to watch is Rugby. I tried my hand at playing mid-field back, but I'm not gifted in sports. I ended up with broken toes from getting cleated in a scrum.

6. I am adept at a broad spectrum of tasks, but I don't have an area of interest that I excel in. Might be why I still don't know what I want to be when I grow up...

7. I took Spanish, French, German and Russian in school. I can count to 10, say please and thank you. I can also say "For Christmas I'd like a hedgehog." in Russian. I wish I had stuck with one thing instead of ending up unable to converse in any language other than American English and pantomime.

Here are 15 Blogs I'm nominating:

1. Colleen @ This Time I Mean It

2. Blossom @ Blossom Banded

3. Camille @ Living Large in C.C.

4. Dawn @ What I Weighed in High School

5. Miss Vickie @ The Queen Bee's Lap Band Life

6. Ashli @ Skinny Tastes Better - (hopes she'll start posting again)

7. Sarah @ Simple, Sassy Sarah

8. Pie @ Pie in Progress

9. TJ @ Metamorphic Journey

10. Jen @ It IS All About Me

11. Terri @ I Can Do This

12. Jenny @ Embracing a New Path

13. Jacquie @ Can't Wait to Lose it With the Band

14. Mallen @ Banded for Life

15. YOU! That's right, I mean you! If you're reading this and don't already have this award take it and follow it's rules.

BYOC

Here is my contribution to BYOC Friday! If you don't know what it's about head on over to : It's Just Me Drazil, & Sheniqua for the run down.

1. Do you remember your last dream?

Not really. I don't usually remember my dreams but the last one I remember remembering was about some kind of argument that I was trying to resolve but the people kept changing and I was overwhelmed and just wanted to run away. Every room I went into was exactly like the last one and the situation was the same, but the face of the arguing parties was always different.

***When you dream do the people look like who they are to you? I ask because when I dream I know that it is my brother (for example) but he looks like someone I've never met. Am I alone in this?

2. Which is your favorite body part of the human body and why?

Well, that depends on what for...

For drooling over I'd say it's that cut at the hip. I call it the hip dip. Mamma wantsa bite o them mmm....!

For just general cuteness that would be baby feet. But only baby feet, cause everyone's feet except for my own are scary.

3. Tell me about your first kiss...

My first kiss... I was 15. I went to the skating ring with some of my friends from school. There was this guy, dreamy guy, who was 19. My friends got him to slow skate with me and at the end of the evening I walked out with him to wait for my parents to pick me up. Before he got in his car he got my phone number and then kissed me. BTW I guess I forgot to mention he thought I was 17.

Actually that's not the real story it was my 2nd kiss, but it's the one I like to remember and the one I will tell to my daughter when she's old enough to ask.

The real deal was outside after an after school function when I was 15. It was this red headed boy who was kinds dorky and was covered in freckles. I say dorky not over his look, we're talking demeanor. Anyway, he kissed me in the parking lot and then proceeded to grab my butt while he kissed me. LAME! I was so embarrassed and never spoke to him again.

4. How big is your bed?

Queen, but I was told to upgrade to a latex foam king size before Husband comes back from this deployment.

5. Repeat question....whose blog or comment stuck with you the most this week and why?

This post from Blossom Banded I totally remember working hard to deal with that feeling. I remember struggling not to ask my husband what the hell was wrong with him to want to be with me looking like I did. It was really hard for me to process that this was MY issue and actually had nothing to do with the wonderful man I married who loved me despite myself and just quietly hoped I would start loving myself as much as he loved me.

*GAH Draz... not love myself like *that* Although, he probably wouldn't have minded the show. Now take your double entendres and go back to work! ::wink::

The Ladies Room

A very pregnant friend asked for someone to explain to her why women take so long in the bathroom. I guess she got stuck waiting and was feeling surly about it. This is my response to her:

First, I have to figure out the best way to hover over the toilet without breaking my damn neck or falling into someone else's pee on the seat while avoiding the suspicious puddle on the floor. I also have to find a place to hold my purse as there are no hooks on the door and hanging it over the corner of the door causes the door to swing open and hit me on the head.

Then I pee, but it is also that time of the month so now I have to balance on one foot with my elbow braced on the wall and my back arched so I can replace my preferred feminine hygiene product without contaminating it on the gross toilet. The toilet paper roll runs out before I finish so I attempt to pat dry with the shredded remnants that clung to the roll.

Now I have to get my self out of the odd contorted position I've put myself in while I curse myself for not working on my core strength through weights or Pilates.
Off to the sink now only to discover there is no soap except a puddle on the counter. I debate for a moment and finally decide counter soap is better than no soap. Of course now the air dryer is broken and the paper dispenser is jammed. I spend a minute trying to jam my fingers up the towel slot without cutting them off on the ragged tearing surface.
By this point, I'm hot and sweaty and cranky so I mutter profanities under my breath as I pat my hands dry on my least obvious article of clothing. I linger in front of the mirror for a moment and wish there was something I could do about my now sweaty hair and upper lip. However there are still no towels so I heave a sigh and head out of the ladies room. I think to myself that I could sure use a drink after that, but I'll be damned if I do anything to induce another trip into the hell that is the public ladies restroom. As I come through the door I see you glaring at me and I think I should tell you there is no toilet paper, soap, or paper towel, but your glare clearly says, "get the hell out of my way!" So I smile and hold the door open for you.

It's Been Awhile - Weigh-in, a Goal, and a Fill

I'm back and apparently no worse for wear. The kids and I spent quite a while at the grandparent's house. It was good for me emotionally to have someone else around over the age of "I wanna duct tape your mouth shut 13". Band-wise with no restriction it was not so great. I didn't gain, but I stayed at 233lbs for at least 3 weeks.

That however is the past. Today is a weigh-in day!

Pre-pre op diet: 265

Starting weight: 261
Today's Weight: 224
Total loss = 41# or
37# in the 98 days since banding

I got my second fill on the 4th. My BN added 1cc so I am now at 5cc in a 10cc band. I felt great for the first three days after my fill. I had no trouble sticking to liquids and mush. I wasn't ever hungry. Now... I'm starving and have no restriction. I guess 5 isn't going to be my sweet spot. Oh, but those three days were nice! I can't wait to get to restriction.

I made my "Rare" goal on July 26th. I'm now only 14lbs away from being Medium-Rare!

The kiddos have started back at school. All three are full day now. I have nothing but time to do all the things I haven't been able to squeeze in for the last 13 years. Maybe I'll finally get caught up and start taking better care of myself.

Husband is still away. I've planned a three day family trip for his R&R leave in the fall. There is an indoor pool and a massage therapist involved. Hopefully it will help him relax enough to cope with having to go right back for another 3-4 months. His boss makes his life hell and seems to enjoy it. This is the first time in 11+ years I've wanted to act like "that wife" and go give his boss a piece of my mind and a black eye.

I owe y'all two and three month Bandiversary progress pics and I owe Colleen a giant thank you post full of sisterhood clothes pics. Unfortunately my camera has either been lost or stolen. I guess it's time to replace it anyway. I just wish I could have the data card from it... I guess those pics aren't coming. Sorry y'all. You'll just have to wait for the 4 month progress pics in September. I know that will make Draz feel better since it's a nice even number!

It's going to take me awhile to catch up on posts. If there is anything profound or of immediate importance that I need to see STAT please send me a link!

Vacation Notice

Just wanted to let you all know I'm going to be away for a bit. Heading to let the kids visit family and go to camp. I'll be back in a week or two depending. Leaving now.

Y'all try not to post too much while I'm gone. I hate trying to catch up!

Love to you all,

50 Followers - Following 39

I haven't lost 50lbs yet, but I do have 50 following friends, which I must say is just as good.

I've gone through to make sure I'm following everyone who's following me, but so far all I've found links for is 39 of y'all. So... if I'm not following you and you want me to be, please either comment with a link to your bloggie or email me at:

cheeseburgergirl AT ymail DOT com

I promise I will add you ASAP so I can get to reading!

Love to you,

Week 9 Weigh-In, First Fill Report, & The Sisterhood

Last Thursday I packed the kids and the car and headed to my in-laws house for the 4th of July festivities. I was on day 2 of liquids after my first fill and was a little worried about how I was going to handle vacation with a super tight band. As it turns out, I had nothing to worry about. My 1cc fill did absolutely nothing for me past the third day. I am back to feeling like I have no band at all. It's really quite frustrating because I feel like I'm just on another damn diet and we all know what kind of track record diets leave one with.

During vacation I consumed way too much salt and 12 pieces of Godiva chocolates.

Consequently, my scale decided to show me no love and left me exactly where I was 2 weeks ago.

Pre-pre op diet: 265
Starting weight: 261
Today's Weight: 233
Total loss = 32# or
28# in the 63 days since banding

This plateau is getting old. Time to start the whining! Or not. Wouldn't change a thing anyway. On the upside, if you check out the picture of a real plateau, you'll notice that there is a steep drop on the sides of it. I'm totally looking forward to the free fall.

In an effort to actually be productive and keep better track of my eating and drinking times I am going to go buy a watch today. I used to wear one all the time. It had 3 alarms and two timezones and kept me on track with picking up the kids from school and abreast of whatever time zone my bestie (or my hubby depending on the deployment schedule) was in. However, with the improvements in basic cell phones I have not worn one in two years. My cell phone is great for being a glorified alarm clock and showing me what time it is in Washington state and Afghanistan, but it lacks a countdown timer. What I need is an annoying little reminder every 80 minutes. BEEP BEEP - start eating BEEP BEEP start drinking BEEP BEEP time to eat again etc.

If Bella is going to be a witch and leave me to do this on my own, the least I can do is make an effort. I can't allow myself to fail this time.

In MUCH happier news:

I got home last night and found a big ole pile of love from the sisterhood waiting on my doorstep.

I've been looking through and squealing like a little girl. Wow, I mean really! There is stuff for now and stuff to work toward and I am absolutely giddy. I already have a new favorite pair of no-saggy-butt jeans!

There will be pictures soon and public thanks to my "sisterhood angel" as soon as I make sure it's OK with her.

P.S. My 2 month bandiversary was on the 3rd. I'll work on taking those pics too before too much time passes. Maybe Bella has been sneaking cake and ice cream to celebrate instead of pushing me to the edge of my plateau.

Week 8 (1st No-Loss) and First Fill

Monday was weigh-in day. I skipped the posting bit because I was a little disappointed. No loss, but there wasn't a gain either so I wasn't too hard on myself.
Holding steady at

Pre-pre op diet: 265
Starting weight: 261
Today's Weight: 233
Total loss = 32# or
28# in the 56 days since banding


I took Bella in to be serviced today. I opted to skip the numbing bit. The needle wasn't very painful and he got it on the first try. I big puffy heart my doc.

First he pulled out all the fluid and informed me I had 3cc in my 10cc band. Then he put it all back in with an additional 1cc. I now have a total of 4cc in Bella.

It is a little disconcerting to sit up with the needle sticking out of the front of you, but I decided I had no interest in looking down this time. Had I thought about it, I'd have had the nurse take a picture for curiosity's sake. The only startling feeling was when he pulled out the needle. It felt like it wanted to hang out in there or something. I got a little dizzy when they lowered the table, but I think it was just nerves. I was fine once the table stopped.

I sipped my water and it went down fine. There is a different feeling though. I'm not sure how to describe it. I feel full, but I'm hungry. Does that make sense? I have that full at the top feeling like when you eat a good sized meal but haven't over done it, but I also have that burn-y growling feeling at the bottom of my stomach. I had some weird nerve twitches at first while I was waiting the 20 minutes before heading home. They were in the vicinity of my lady-parts but it wasn't a pleasant feeling. It could also have something to do with that witch that decided to drop off the monthly curse today.

The burping is back though. I could have lived without that part.

Doc says two days of liquids, two days of mush, and then on to soft foods. I'm sipping on a glass of unsweetened vanilla almond milk. It's my new favorite for mixing protein powder into.

My next fill appointment is August 3rd, but in the morning this time. I almost didn't get my fill because I'd been sipping on water and they have a 6 hour nothing by mouth requirement at my clinic. I just forgot. oops.

Week 7 Weigh-In

Pre-pre op diet: 265
Starting weight: 261
Today's Weight: 233
Total loss = 32# or
28# in the 49 days since banding.

I was going to whine for a moment about only losing 2lbs this week. Then I realized, I lost two freaking pounds this week!

Granted, it wasn't the three pound loss that I had been maintaining for the last few weigh-ins, nor was it the five pounds I was secretly hoping for. It also wasn't a no-change week or a gain. So really, I have nothing to complain about.

I probably could have kept up the three, but that damn delivery man kept showing up at my door with pizza and Chinese, and Mexican food. Who was I to make him go away?

Not to worry! I went grocery shopping today and now the kitchen is filled with appropriate foods. I even got a new protein bar to try for breakfast tomorrow.

On the band front:

• Nine days left until my first fill.
• 3lbs away from my 2nd goal "Rare"
• I am 2-3 clothing sizes smaller than I started out

On the me front:

• I am BUSY!
• I am probably the only person left in the USA who doesn't get email on her cell phone.
• I am 52% of the way to seeing Husband for two weeks on his break from Afghanistan.

As an aside, I am really glad that you ::coughtrampscough:: ladies in blog land have finally let all the sex talk rest. I was starting to go bananas. GAH! What is it with me and the phallic symbolism? You'd think I've been away from Husband for FOUR MONTHS or something...

Today

Today I chose not to eat any of the leftover chocolate easter candy from the dish at my son's Autism therapy appointment. No chips and salsa either.

Today I have eaten 525 calories and 86 grams of protein. I'm hungry so I'll be adding to that shortly. Chicken tenderloin is my hero today.

Today my kids have been working on my last nerve and I chose not to gorge myself on whatever was available to stifle my irritation and anger.

Today my finances are all neatly budgeted.

Tomorrow I have an appointment with my nutritionist. I've never been to that part of the hospital so I'm dealing with anxiety today. I KNOW it will be fine, but I hate going to new places. I hope that someday I won't have to force myself to do things and will just be able to go and do.

Tomorrow all three children have optometry appointments. Big kid is getting contacts and glasses for the first time. I don't know about the littles yet. My budget is going to be toast.

The day after tomorrow the big kid and the littlest kid have to go back to the dentist for their repairs. My wallet will have only receipts and dust after this I'm sure.

Someone is stealing the broccoli from my garden. It's not an animal, it's got to be a person. None of my kids will fess up. The weird thing is that it wasn't even ready yet. All they're getting is a tiny bit. It has happened three times in the last two weeks. With the way they broke off the pieces they took, I don't know if I'll get any side sprouts or if the plucked plants are done for the year. Grrrrr.

I really miss Husband today. Most days I'm OK with him being away, but today was one of the sulky miss him so much days. At least I'll be too busy to notice tomorrow.

Week 6 Weigh-In

Pre-pre op diet: 265
Starting weight: 261
Today's Weight: 235
Total loss = 30# or
26# in the 43 days since banding.

I still have two weeks before my first fill. I wish it was sooner, but the fat girl inside me wants to put it off because I can still eat anything without trouble. Chubbella says she likes having the to option to eat brownies and steak. Me, I'm tired of having to tell her to shut up and would like for Bella to choke her out for a while. You know, let the band handle my light work.

I wish they'd let me move my 1st fill appointment up sooner. I'm dreading the first week without a loss.

I'm five pounds away from my second goal. I wonder what I'd have to do to make that happen in a week?

BYOC - by Drazil

1. What was your first pet?

• We had a poodle when I was little. Her name was Musette. However the first pet that was just for me was a Betta fish named Michael J. Fish when I was in second grade. Now you also know my first crush!

2. When did you lose your virginity? (Okay – before you throw stones and break out the holy water – first of all – this is not my question. It came from a follower and I obliged cuz I like it…so there.) Obviously don’t answer if this is too personal…..but don’t hate me for putting it out there.

• I was 15. He never called again. I ran into him as an adult and he didn't even remember who I was.

3 & 4 – I’m combining these two cuz this answer could be long. A follower (thanks Steph) asked if I could ask what a daily meal plan looks like for each of you – out of curiosity and out of possibly learning new foods to try.

• I try to remember to eat breakfast, but it has always been an issue for me. When I'm following my plan my day looks like this:

Breakfast:

Tennessee Pride Fully cooked Turkey sausage x2
or

Oscar Mayer Canadian Bacon x5 slices

Lunch:

Sometimes a McDonalds cheeseburger

Usually Chicken Salad or

2 Turkey burger patties or

2 Vegan Boca Burgers

Dinner:

Chicken Tenderloin or

Grilled Talapia or

1/3 lb hamburger steak or

2 bratwurst or

2 fillet steaks

with 1/3 cup of Coleslaw or sauerkraut

Snacks:

If I have a snack, it is whatever I want. Most of the time it's beef jerky, but if I want cake or something, I get one serving of it and try to only eat half of that.

*I currently have no restriction, so the foods I eat now may or may not work after my first fill at the end of June.

5. Repeat question: What blog or blog comment stayed with you or stuck with you the most this week and why?

• Drazil's blog: Wanna play Hide and Seek? I'm just so happy that there are other people who remember to put their kids first by making good choices for themselves. I big puffy heart Drazil!